Maundy Thursday thoughts
Tonight is the first part of Easter Weekend, which here in Aus is a four-day weekend, a fact that still delights me even though I'm pretty used to it now. I left work (the usual amount of stress just before a weekend, the boss wasn't even there, but I brought beers out for those who wanted them and one of the designers put on some music so it wasn't too depressing), and went into town to buy a present for my hairdresser who is leaving me and moving to Melbourne. The City was really busy, lots of people coming from work and lots of teens on school holidays, lots of young women shopping, almost festive. You have to buy everything at late-night shopping tonight because tomorrow absolutely nothing in the whole country will be open. I learned that in Brisbane early on, one year when I thought, great, day off, I'll run a whole bunch of errands. No, don't think so. You will sit very still in your house and think about the sacrifice our Lord made for you, won't you? Tomorrow I've made plans to bunker down with some atheist friends and drink wine and have hot cross buns. Did my shopping tonight.
I got my hairdresser an umbrella which I thought was appropriate for someone moving to Melbourne, and the umbrellas are right next to the silly hats and feather "fascinators", which huge groups of girls were trying on - because the Easter Racing Carnival is all weekend (horse racing). Hilarious, I've never seen that ritual ever before - the gaggle of girlfriends all going out together and admiring themselves in normal street clothes with coloured feathers on their head.
In the loo down by the food court I found some accidental art. Someone had removed some stickers from a newly purchased garment. So on the wall was one transparent sticker, a long strip with lots of 8's on it, it said, "8 8 8 8 8". Which is by the way very lucky in Chinese. And then next to that was a circular sticker, also transparent, with black words on it that said, "Creases are not permanent." Well, no, I guess they're not.
My most memorable Maundy Thursday last-day-of-work-before-the-long-Easter-weekend was when I was working at Amway, so I guess 1998. Pointy-head was away, I'm sure up in Brissy with his kid. At work most people had ducked out early to do big drives to go away to some holiday spot for the weekend. I had left the lights on in the Jag, and one of the power windows just a little bit open. I had to call NRMA to come jump me, so I was the very, very last one to leave the parking lot at like 7:30 at night, and it was pouring rain, buckets, sheets of it, flooding down and of course getting in the car because the window was down and the battery was dead and so I couldn't put it back up again.
NRMA came, the car started, I headed up the freeway home - that was when I had an hour and a half drive each way on the F3 every day - I headed up the freeway in the traffic and the rain. I don't even remember the drive very well, just soldiered on bravely and kept heading for home. I remember that when I hit Kariong I decided to go down into Gosford instead of on Woy Woy road because I thought it might be too dangerous, but the road down into Gosford was just as winding and scary, and then the road back all along Brisbane Waters was nearly flooding so the whole trip was just alarming all the way around. And what I remember most was when, after crossing the Hawksbury, I could pick up SeaFM on the radio, and turned it on and heard the DJ giving a traffic report, saying there was flooding and heavy traffic and low visibility and a large tree was down blocking the fast lane just the other side of Jolls Bridge. And then he said, "It doesn't get any better than this, does it? Happy Easter."
***
Another little mantra thing that's been in my head lately is when I think an old thought of ambition and unfulfillment, like "I should try to get a job in a big ad agency" or "I should ask for more money" or "Damn I still haven't written a book," a voice retorts saying, "Are you kidding? I'm lucky to be alive!" Like, just being alive is enough of an accomplishment, thank you very much, I don't think you all can ask any more of me. Is this a healthy thought? Probably - contentment and peace and lack of frustrated ambition and desire is supposed to be good for your brain. But then it's also a kind of post-traumatic survivor thought.
And, kind of related to that, especially to the desire thing, instead of the great yawning longing that I was feeling in my centre a few weeks ago, the great loneliness where the special Somebody should be, I've had another mantra thought that is also bringing me a strange kind of comfort. The virtuous state of mind behind it is that I need to not wallow in singledom and feel sorry for myself but maintain the friends I do have, appreciate them and make time for them. I'm not sure if that virtuous program or the mantra happened first, but the mantra is: "I have already met everyone I will ever meet." It's patently not true, of course, but it has been bringing me a strange kind of comfort. It takes the pressure off for having to Get Out There and Meet People and Date People and Find Someone, which I've been feeling like is supposed to be my main occupation (the same constant weight and drive as when I was looking for a job - all effort must be directed toward that goal, all day and every day - but a girl needs a break every now and again). I have already met everyone I will ever meet, the thought goes, so I need to make the most of that group of people, and also be satisfied with them. And I have been sending more emails and making more phone calls and catching up with my beloved friends, and I guess realising that they do love me, I do have love, I'm not alone. My glass is half full of friends, instead of yawning empty of a One.
***
Happy Easter everyone.
I got my hairdresser an umbrella which I thought was appropriate for someone moving to Melbourne, and the umbrellas are right next to the silly hats and feather "fascinators", which huge groups of girls were trying on - because the Easter Racing Carnival is all weekend (horse racing). Hilarious, I've never seen that ritual ever before - the gaggle of girlfriends all going out together and admiring themselves in normal street clothes with coloured feathers on their head.
In the loo down by the food court I found some accidental art. Someone had removed some stickers from a newly purchased garment. So on the wall was one transparent sticker, a long strip with lots of 8's on it, it said, "8 8 8 8 8". Which is by the way very lucky in Chinese. And then next to that was a circular sticker, also transparent, with black words on it that said, "Creases are not permanent." Well, no, I guess they're not.
My most memorable Maundy Thursday last-day-of-work-before-the-long-Easter-weekend was when I was working at Amway, so I guess 1998. Pointy-head was away, I'm sure up in Brissy with his kid. At work most people had ducked out early to do big drives to go away to some holiday spot for the weekend. I had left the lights on in the Jag, and one of the power windows just a little bit open. I had to call NRMA to come jump me, so I was the very, very last one to leave the parking lot at like 7:30 at night, and it was pouring rain, buckets, sheets of it, flooding down and of course getting in the car because the window was down and the battery was dead and so I couldn't put it back up again.
NRMA came, the car started, I headed up the freeway home - that was when I had an hour and a half drive each way on the F3 every day - I headed up the freeway in the traffic and the rain. I don't even remember the drive very well, just soldiered on bravely and kept heading for home. I remember that when I hit Kariong I decided to go down into Gosford instead of on Woy Woy road because I thought it might be too dangerous, but the road down into Gosford was just as winding and scary, and then the road back all along Brisbane Waters was nearly flooding so the whole trip was just alarming all the way around. And what I remember most was when, after crossing the Hawksbury, I could pick up SeaFM on the radio, and turned it on and heard the DJ giving a traffic report, saying there was flooding and heavy traffic and low visibility and a large tree was down blocking the fast lane just the other side of Jolls Bridge. And then he said, "It doesn't get any better than this, does it? Happy Easter."
***
Another little mantra thing that's been in my head lately is when I think an old thought of ambition and unfulfillment, like "I should try to get a job in a big ad agency" or "I should ask for more money" or "Damn I still haven't written a book," a voice retorts saying, "Are you kidding? I'm lucky to be alive!" Like, just being alive is enough of an accomplishment, thank you very much, I don't think you all can ask any more of me. Is this a healthy thought? Probably - contentment and peace and lack of frustrated ambition and desire is supposed to be good for your brain. But then it's also a kind of post-traumatic survivor thought.
And, kind of related to that, especially to the desire thing, instead of the great yawning longing that I was feeling in my centre a few weeks ago, the great loneliness where the special Somebody should be, I've had another mantra thought that is also bringing me a strange kind of comfort. The virtuous state of mind behind it is that I need to not wallow in singledom and feel sorry for myself but maintain the friends I do have, appreciate them and make time for them. I'm not sure if that virtuous program or the mantra happened first, but the mantra is: "I have already met everyone I will ever meet." It's patently not true, of course, but it has been bringing me a strange kind of comfort. It takes the pressure off for having to Get Out There and Meet People and Date People and Find Someone, which I've been feeling like is supposed to be my main occupation (the same constant weight and drive as when I was looking for a job - all effort must be directed toward that goal, all day and every day - but a girl needs a break every now and again). I have already met everyone I will ever meet, the thought goes, so I need to make the most of that group of people, and also be satisfied with them. And I have been sending more emails and making more phone calls and catching up with my beloved friends, and I guess realising that they do love me, I do have love, I'm not alone. My glass is half full of friends, instead of yawning empty of a One.
***
Happy Easter everyone.
posted by Ellen at 12:02 am
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