another festival of the bullet point

I seem to do this when I'm really tired and really grumpy:

• I am behind on sleep, behind on money, behind on hours at work. How will I ever catch up? I have way way too many things to do at work, and was going to come home and work all night but I'm so behind on etc above that I couldn't. But now I can't sleep either due to worry. What am I going to do?
• I have a really hard job with lots of responsibility, which is a good thing, and I can handle it, but it's very hard to do with absolutely no support from anyone in this world. Hence...
• I have been feeling really bad about the nobody-asks-me-how-my-day-was thing. Is it really so horrible to every now and again not have a perfectly even temper? Is it really such an unbearable burden on someone to display a little bit of vulnerability to them? Apparently.
• I probably come across as really needy because I am fucking really needy.
• The cycle - behind on sleep, behind on hours at work, behind on money, no groceries, too much takeaway, costs too much money, has too much salt and oil and calories, so you are not only tired with purple skin and black eyes but fat, and feel bad and unhealthy because of the no sleep and no exercise and bad food, and also have bad posture and poor muscle tone because of no exercise. Frumpy and fat. And old. And frumpy. But how will I ever get ahead? With no support?
• The crush at work probably does more harm than good. I will end up embarassing myself and making him uncomfortable, and also I was reminded this week that I am a manager, I am management, I have the ear of the boss, I'm supposed to execute the instructions of the boss which sometimes means not thinking the designer is the greatest thing since sliced bread and the most talented genius in the universe. I shouldn't fraternise with the staff. Rats. I've been trying to lay low for a couple of days but probably have not, and then with all the second guessing and neediness, I'm probably embarassing myself even more and making him uncomfortable already.
• But if I just pack it in and chuck a sickie tomorrow and actually rest, just call a break to things and rest, I will lose all momentum, and create chaos and confusion, and have more to catch up on and repair when I return, and lose the opportunity to actually put the last crucial bit of effort in and actually see things through. I am very good at taking projects that are in chaos and sorting them out and getting back on course - I can make lists and break things into steps and I can stay calm and explain things carefully to people, and call clients and finalise quotes and sort out scope and document things and file and announce and etc. But actually seeing things through to a finish. Doing all those things and then putting in the extra push required to get it done, or tested, or get some fucking body else to fucking take some initiative and responsibility so you could trust them, you don't have to do a detailed brief that takes five hours longer to write than the task takes to do (and then they say, "I'm out of things to dooooo. Do you have anything I can doooooo?"), and then it takes five more hours to test it all and still months later you find it never actually worked at all, the fuckers (If someone had asked how my day was yesterday, there's a story about that which I would have told them). So, I'm managing at work with no support either!
• There's no deadlines tomorrow. That's probably why everything seems a disaster - all the clients are writing and saying where is it, where is it, but nothing's actually due so it's all equally important and you can't prioritise or move ahead on anything.
• And dumb Senior Programmer, who's also Sys Admin, has been out of commission for two days fixing a server that fell over! How are we supposed to finish things when our only guy who can do things is too busy to do anything?
• And why am I feeling like this is my fault?
• I think I have a bit of buried frustration with my work!
• I missed/skipped/blew off/rejected the philosophy group, again, tonight. Just couldn't face it. It seemed more like work than like relaxation. Maybe it's going to be not part of my life so much anymore. But I have a hard job with lots of responsibility! That's kind of my main focus just now.
• I would give anything just to have some fun! Just to go to a pub and hang out with someone, and enjoy each other's company and laugh and both want to do the same things at the same time. Just for one evening. But I have not called the ex, even though there's a standing invitation from him to go out and do just that. Who else can I do that with? I need a best friend. I need a Bridget-Jones-type coterie of best friends. There's nothing more crushing than the feeling of the big empty space where those people should be. It's been overwhelming me lately, on the walk to work, on the walk back to work after a meeting today, on these nights when I should go to bed.
• This is probably getting really old, to all of you strangers out there. What are you thinking? "She should just go out and MAKE some best friends!" "Why is she telling us strangers this, why doesn't she call a real human person?" "Is this chick self-obsessed or what? She needs to just get over it." But none of the real human people would sit and listen to this, would they? Too burdensome. Too needy. So, guess what, you're it! (If you're thinking anything else and you think it might actually be helpful advice, please leave a comment below. Because what have you all done for me lately? You never write, you never call....)
• I know what I need to do, I suppose. Right now, go to bed. Tomorrow, eat properly. At work, and what the heck also at home, make lists and prioritise and assign times and due dates for things and break them down into small manageble steps. Try to get some exercise. Call my counselly lady for a big session of whinging and vulnerability and neediness. And pay her, so I don't feel like I'm unfairly burdening someone. A few days of sleeping, exercising, eating properly and breaking things into small steps and I will be out of this slump. I need to mantra that attractiveness to men is not a measure of self-worth and I'm probably not all that hideous as I'm thinking I am right now. Mantra that, try to get the rational part of my brain to take control. What else? Schedule in some beautiful time, not just "resting" (lying in stressy coma in front of the tv) but going out and filling the well with experience. Go to bed now. Just do the next step. I will certainly feel this way again in my life (I could probably count how many days typically elapse between these episodes from this very blog - so it is at least of scientific value, fuck you, even if content-wise you think it's a waste of pixels). But if I can turn things around a bit in those little ways I won't feel like this in a few days' time.
• I think this damn birthday has hit me hard. The birthday itself was fun, but the number. I think I might be having a bit of a hard time with it.
• I have, personally, a number of friends who had their first baby at age 42, or even 43, but I know no one who had their first baby at age 44, and I don't even know anyone I'd like to sleep with, just now, and I don't even know what country I want to live in, so it's a 2-4 year prospect even hooking up, even if it ever happens at all which doesn't seem likely at the moment, so that would make me 48, and that means it's officially all over.
• That's making me cry.
• Maybe I should have a funeral for my babies I'm not going to have. In memorium. There should be a Hallmark card for this. "So, you're 44 and for sure won't be having any babies!"
• Aren't you strangers all feeling smug right now. You did the trick, in fact. Better than a therapist. You knew there was something else underneath all this and you just waited until the nerve was hit.
• I'm 44 and I will for sure not be having any babies. And I have only just realised that I would really like to have a wonderful husband and some babies. And it's too late. And it's hitting me hard, and making me sad.
• Fine. Pleased with yourselves?
• How do you catch up from this? Same way, I guess. Go to bed now, eat properly tomorrow, break each day into little managable tasks and just get through them, one at a time.
• Damn.
• God help youse all when you turn 44.
• But if you've got this far, thanks for being part of this evening's Grumpy Festival of the Bullet Point.