ghost in the house
I keep having reconciliation dreams. They seem to come whenever I hit 8+ hours of sleep - maybe that's why I've been avoiding it and getting only 6 hours on a consistent basis.
They're always the same. I've written about them here before. He's just there, not really paying attention to me but just back, and they're usually sexual. He sort of deigns to pay me sexual attention, for a little while, and then gets distracted, but doesn't really pay any attention to me throughout, doesn't really look at me or ask me questions or regard me. But I always give in, succumb, swoon into his body, appreciate his gorgeousness, feel the feeling of being near him, which of course is the key thing I miss when I wake up because I don't feel that feeling of being near him at all any more. It's been so long since I had any contact, either in person or voice or anything, that when I'm awake he's kind of an abstraction, a fact about my past which doesn't conjure up any particular visuals or auditory memories or sensual memories of any kind, not when I'm awake. (I suppose that's a good thing, a good indication that time is passing and I'm getting over him.) But when I have these dreams the full set of sensations are right there - it's like what people describe when someone close to them dies, and then in their dreams they get to see them again.
But these are painful, not nice. Because when I wake up I have this sense of wanting him and missing him, and it's taken away from me and I feel that pain all over again.
Why, why, why can't I stand up for myself in my dream and say no? I try to mantra it in my waking life and visualise doing it in the dream, but I never do. I'm right there with him, doing what I want and whatever he will deign to do with me, and then he wanders off and I wake up and he's gone again.
Some part inside me still thinks there's only one man for everyone and has mated for life like a swan, and wants him back. I can't say it out loud when I'm awake, can't even think it out loud because I have to make it untrue, through matra'ing and repetition. But my dreams betray me.
This last one, he was in bed with someone else, some petit spunky girl called Nancy. Then I got in the bed. He wandered off, and I talked to her and she was really friendly and nice, and had had belly surgery recently and had a big patch of gauze on her stomach, and was asking about scars so I showed her my scar, but explained that I scar very badly so hers probably wouldn't be as bad, and I felt a sort of pride in how big and distinct my scar is. Then she wandered off and he came back and it was the sexy part of the dream, and then somehow he was making breakfast, bowls of cereal, but still willing to do things to me if I wanted, but I thought, we'd better stop before she sees us. So, I sort of knew she was his new girlfriend but was hoping she wasn't, she was so nice to me that she didn't seem like she was, didn't have any possessiveness of him, but then I didn't want her to see me in flagrante with him just in case.
So what does that all mean? Why does this keep happening? And what can I do to make them stop? Because all day today there's been this ghost with me - I almost forget that he won't be at home for me to give a kiss to when I get home and tell him about my day. There's a ghost of a presence of a partner around me, but it's only a ghost from the dream, and in real life he's gone, really gone.
Be gone, ghost!
They're always the same. I've written about them here before. He's just there, not really paying attention to me but just back, and they're usually sexual. He sort of deigns to pay me sexual attention, for a little while, and then gets distracted, but doesn't really pay any attention to me throughout, doesn't really look at me or ask me questions or regard me. But I always give in, succumb, swoon into his body, appreciate his gorgeousness, feel the feeling of being near him, which of course is the key thing I miss when I wake up because I don't feel that feeling of being near him at all any more. It's been so long since I had any contact, either in person or voice or anything, that when I'm awake he's kind of an abstraction, a fact about my past which doesn't conjure up any particular visuals or auditory memories or sensual memories of any kind, not when I'm awake. (I suppose that's a good thing, a good indication that time is passing and I'm getting over him.) But when I have these dreams the full set of sensations are right there - it's like what people describe when someone close to them dies, and then in their dreams they get to see them again.
But these are painful, not nice. Because when I wake up I have this sense of wanting him and missing him, and it's taken away from me and I feel that pain all over again.
Why, why, why can't I stand up for myself in my dream and say no? I try to mantra it in my waking life and visualise doing it in the dream, but I never do. I'm right there with him, doing what I want and whatever he will deign to do with me, and then he wanders off and I wake up and he's gone again.
Some part inside me still thinks there's only one man for everyone and has mated for life like a swan, and wants him back. I can't say it out loud when I'm awake, can't even think it out loud because I have to make it untrue, through matra'ing and repetition. But my dreams betray me.
This last one, he was in bed with someone else, some petit spunky girl called Nancy. Then I got in the bed. He wandered off, and I talked to her and she was really friendly and nice, and had had belly surgery recently and had a big patch of gauze on her stomach, and was asking about scars so I showed her my scar, but explained that I scar very badly so hers probably wouldn't be as bad, and I felt a sort of pride in how big and distinct my scar is. Then she wandered off and he came back and it was the sexy part of the dream, and then somehow he was making breakfast, bowls of cereal, but still willing to do things to me if I wanted, but I thought, we'd better stop before she sees us. So, I sort of knew she was his new girlfriend but was hoping she wasn't, she was so nice to me that she didn't seem like she was, didn't have any possessiveness of him, but then I didn't want her to see me in flagrante with him just in case.
So what does that all mean? Why does this keep happening? And what can I do to make them stop? Because all day today there's been this ghost with me - I almost forget that he won't be at home for me to give a kiss to when I get home and tell him about my day. There's a ghost of a presence of a partner around me, but it's only a ghost from the dream, and in real life he's gone, really gone.
Be gone, ghost!
posted by Ellen at 6:37 pm
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