Everything Is Going To Be Just Fine*
I was talking to an MBA classmate the other day and she observed that even though lots of us struggled straight out of our degree, and even though some of us took steps backward when we finally got our next position after graduation, now after three years most of us seem to be at the right level - she said, "at the level where I expected to be right after I finished."
And today I really did feel that. Like I'm finally getting where I meant to be, and my MBA was useful after all, and my future will be better than it would have been had I not done it.
Which is startling. Because after the MBA things were so bad that I had lots of apocalyptically negative feelings, and when you feel those feelings you do things like curse things and make vows and swear off and turn your back on. And my ex did, even more than I did, didn't he? Apocalyptically bad.
And it was bad. I was looking for work for more than a year (today I was doing the math and realised it wasn't 18 whole months as I've been saying it was, it was more like 15 months between full-time gigs, and only 10 or so before I started getting contracting work). I felt like I would never use my MBA knowledge ever in my life. My self-esteem got kicked around really badly by the lack of focus and constant rejection. And my finances even more so.
But today, a few days after that conversation with my classmate, I actually felt it. Things are getting better. I'm now at the level where an MBA should be - I've done the hard yards, I suffered, I took big steps back, I paid my dues, and now I've been rewarded for my patience (what else are you going to do? once I ruled suicide out as an option, patience is all you got), and now things are better, career-wise probably better than they ever have been in my whole life, and I feel better, career-wise more mature and capable and knowledgable and full of leadership qualities and expertise and potential, and I'm actually working really hard, probably also for the first time in my life, really, and am living the life of a grown-up, successful MBA woman.
So, some of my deep-seated beliefs that were implanted during the bad apocalyptic times will probably have to be overturned. My life has not peaked. I have not outlived my story (gah! imagine if it's true!). My MBA was not a completely waste of time and foolish. People do not just deteriorate after age 40. Imagine that. Imagine that these things might be true!
Today I felt it. First time in years, first time ever if this really is a great new chapter. Really felt it. So maybe it will be true. Maybe this next bit will be better than all the bits that went before.
Or maybe it's just the cold medicine.
*I saw this on a t-shirt once worn by a Japanese girl, walking near Chinatown in Sydney. It was written in giant black letters on a plain white shirt. I instantly wanted one, and also thought I should buy one for my boss.
And today I really did feel that. Like I'm finally getting where I meant to be, and my MBA was useful after all, and my future will be better than it would have been had I not done it.
Which is startling. Because after the MBA things were so bad that I had lots of apocalyptically negative feelings, and when you feel those feelings you do things like curse things and make vows and swear off and turn your back on. And my ex did, even more than I did, didn't he? Apocalyptically bad.
And it was bad. I was looking for work for more than a year (today I was doing the math and realised it wasn't 18 whole months as I've been saying it was, it was more like 15 months between full-time gigs, and only 10 or so before I started getting contracting work). I felt like I would never use my MBA knowledge ever in my life. My self-esteem got kicked around really badly by the lack of focus and constant rejection. And my finances even more so.
But today, a few days after that conversation with my classmate, I actually felt it. Things are getting better. I'm now at the level where an MBA should be - I've done the hard yards, I suffered, I took big steps back, I paid my dues, and now I've been rewarded for my patience (what else are you going to do? once I ruled suicide out as an option, patience is all you got), and now things are better, career-wise probably better than they ever have been in my whole life, and I feel better, career-wise more mature and capable and knowledgable and full of leadership qualities and expertise and potential, and I'm actually working really hard, probably also for the first time in my life, really, and am living the life of a grown-up, successful MBA woman.
So, some of my deep-seated beliefs that were implanted during the bad apocalyptic times will probably have to be overturned. My life has not peaked. I have not outlived my story (gah! imagine if it's true!). My MBA was not a completely waste of time and foolish. People do not just deteriorate after age 40. Imagine that. Imagine that these things might be true!
Today I felt it. First time in years, first time ever if this really is a great new chapter. Really felt it. So maybe it will be true. Maybe this next bit will be better than all the bits that went before.
Or maybe it's just the cold medicine.
*I saw this on a t-shirt once worn by a Japanese girl, walking near Chinatown in Sydney. It was written in giant black letters on a plain white shirt. I instantly wanted one, and also thought I should buy one for my boss.
posted by Ellen at 10:11 pm
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