no, can't do it
Can't go to bed. Having revellations instead.
When I was surfing before (see below), one of the sites I went to was the main one for the town of Thredbo, where the ski fields are, and ski season is now open so there are some live snow-cams and snow reports and lovely photos all over the site of a snowy town with colourful, twinkly lights. So I was fantasizing about going there to ski, which I won't do this year because I don't have the money, but still, it's fun to think about. And as part of my ongoing inappropriate crush on the Italian guy at work, I was imagining going skiing with him, because of course he would ski, he's from not very far from Mont Blanc.
And then I thought, I would be there with his friends and it would be like when he talks on his mobile to them, all rapid colloquial Milanese Italian, and even if I really studied hard I would certainly not be able to keep up.
And I recalled times with my Austrian boyfriend, when I would sit at a table full of German speakers, a whole dinner with no English, and I can still conjure up how I felt, like some idiot mute child they'd tied up to the chair with a dishrag, propped up for show but only just tolerated, not really considered human. It made me feel very bad, everyone speaking German and nobody speaking English to me.
But then, but then, I thought, I actually know that I'm an interesting person. I know that I've had some very unusual experiences that people would be interested in talking about, and that I'm smart and clever and kind and have lots of interesting things to think and say. So, I thought, I could totally go skiing with a whole group of Italian speakers who ignored me due to a language barrier (because it's easier for them and they want to be with each other), because even if I sat there mute, I would sit there fully me, my whole full interesting self. It doesn't matter if no one asks me questions to find out about that self. I am not interesting only in the act of being verbally interesting to some interviewer. Not only in response to a direct question that hits on the right subject matter. I am that person all the time.
Sitting in a group of people speaking a language I don't speak used to be alienating. But now I think I could handle it. Or at least, once I finish my powerful journey of self-discovery, I will be able to.
And I'll bet if I remember this in my regular English-speaking life, it will help me along on the journey. I can feel like that interesting person with depth, all the time. Quietly in a corner, ignored with no one talking to me. Makes no difference. Still fully me.
When I was surfing before (see below), one of the sites I went to was the main one for the town of Thredbo, where the ski fields are, and ski season is now open so there are some live snow-cams and snow reports and lovely photos all over the site of a snowy town with colourful, twinkly lights. So I was fantasizing about going there to ski, which I won't do this year because I don't have the money, but still, it's fun to think about. And as part of my ongoing inappropriate crush on the Italian guy at work, I was imagining going skiing with him, because of course he would ski, he's from not very far from Mont Blanc.
And then I thought, I would be there with his friends and it would be like when he talks on his mobile to them, all rapid colloquial Milanese Italian, and even if I really studied hard I would certainly not be able to keep up.
And I recalled times with my Austrian boyfriend, when I would sit at a table full of German speakers, a whole dinner with no English, and I can still conjure up how I felt, like some idiot mute child they'd tied up to the chair with a dishrag, propped up for show but only just tolerated, not really considered human. It made me feel very bad, everyone speaking German and nobody speaking English to me.
But then, but then, I thought, I actually know that I'm an interesting person. I know that I've had some very unusual experiences that people would be interested in talking about, and that I'm smart and clever and kind and have lots of interesting things to think and say. So, I thought, I could totally go skiing with a whole group of Italian speakers who ignored me due to a language barrier (because it's easier for them and they want to be with each other), because even if I sat there mute, I would sit there fully me, my whole full interesting self. It doesn't matter if no one asks me questions to find out about that self. I am not interesting only in the act of being verbally interesting to some interviewer. Not only in response to a direct question that hits on the right subject matter. I am that person all the time.
Sitting in a group of people speaking a language I don't speak used to be alienating. But now I think I could handle it. Or at least, once I finish my powerful journey of self-discovery, I will be able to.
And I'll bet if I remember this in my regular English-speaking life, it will help me along on the journey. I can feel like that interesting person with depth, all the time. Quietly in a corner, ignored with no one talking to me. Makes no difference. Still fully me.
posted by Ellen at 1:16 am
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