Boys, Boys, Boys

The horoscope has been saying that almost all my planets are in the House of Love. I'm getting attention directed my way again from several sources - including one of the old ones who's recently broken up with his girlfriend. I've been staying up too late waiting for emails and playing with the Mystic Medusa Oracle and trying to figure out what to do - feeling this lust and drive and desperation, but also fear and reluctance and backward-looking pining for What Once Was.

Tonight I had a drink with a former work colleague who is now becoming more of a friend (and a magnificent person she is, too), and she said a very insightful thing about the Polyamorous One. I told her that in contemplating the various possibilities, he's the only one I know I feel the feelings for - I have doubts about all the others. She said that his reticence about his biography might be why I feel that way - since he's a man of mystery it's easy to fill in the gaps myself, and that might be why I'm drawn to him.

I bought him a Christmas present, it's actually a thank-you for running the philosophy group and all it's meant to me this year (it saved my life, actually), and today, after receiving an email from him saying it's been a long time since we had a good philosophical discussion, he hoped we could do it again soon, I asked if we could get together so I could give him this thing, maybe Wednesday evening? I got back the same reply I always get back from him when I invite him to anything outside the formal schedule, "Can't do Wednesday but yeah, maybe, sometime, sounds good, I'll have to see."

I'm sorry, that is high-school, manipulative, he's-just-not-that-into-you, arrogant, rude bullshit. I was about to write an angry email back saying don't play games with me buddy, you're interested or you're not, just tell me, god damn it, but then thought, I'm sure he gets those all the time. Reels women in by hiding so much and being so attentive, but then eludes their grasp and gets from them these outbursts which are just evidence of his power and passion. Probably reels men in that way too! Everyone seems a bit dazzled by him. So instead I just said, see you at the next formal thing, then. And I have decided I will not ever ask for anything more ever again.

Because it's so clear to me tonight - it's suddenly evident that because he holds back all the facts about his life (and self and history and personhood), he is just imaginary. Worse than that - he's a mirror. When he talks to you he just reflects you back to yourself. And I gazed into that mirror and fell madly in love. How embarassing! I feel egotistical (caught out in my egotism) and stupid and ashamed.

I will still give him the present, because I am still grateful for the institution and what it's done for me, but I will not any more swoon over this false philosopher. As god is my witness, I swear that I am going to out and meet a real man, an actual human man, and try to get to know him, and interact with other actual people and not figments of my own imagination.

Damn it.