still up...

Thursday night now and not much better. Last night I was awake until after 4:00, and didn't get to work until 11. Today I felt the effects of sleep deprivation during the day, and was positively nauseous by about 6pm, but, again, here I am.

I was making some progress toward getting to sleep tonight but then, inner city living being what it is, I heard a loud crash outside (still can't work out what kind of crash it was, not a car sort of sound, more like heavy furniture falling over), and then I heard a man moan, twice, and I remember thinking, well, it's not a distressed moan, it's a drunk moan, but then like two minutes later an ambulance arrived, and then a cop car, and they both parked right outside my window with all their flashing lights on, so no chance of sleeping then.

I wasn't sure of the protocol - should I stay inside because it's none of my business in the big city, or should I go out and talk to the cops and find out what happened, as a concerned neighbor? On Mort St I would have gone out. Well, that's not true, once our next door neighbor there had a heart thing and there were two ambulances parked in the street, and I noticed but didn't go out, and later when he was all better he remarked on how not one person had come out, on the whole street. But here on this street certainly I'm even less inclined - it's a building of twenty-something transients, none of us talk to each other. And there are always yelling, moaning, distressed-sounding people walking down the street from the pub. And they might be dangerous ice addicts, stories of which the media is full. So I stay in. But can't sleep. So I thought I'd come and talk to you.

I did get a bit of work done this week on my Meaning of Life paper, and am zeroing in on a combination of "have as many experiences as possible" and "clarify your values" (the first fit in nicely with the memoir experience last weekend). In that light, here are some experiences I've had during this sleepless week:

• watched part of a Lost Highway about women in country music
• saw the biff at the Walkley awards, which was on tv just exactly as I was reading about it on the SMH online
• stopped two nights after work at that pub for a beer and cheese-and-onion chips (I thought it might be alcohol making me so speedy at bedtime, but tonight had none so that can't be it)
• went to Art After Hours at the Art Gallery and heard a quite insightful talk about the goddess exhibition, with three friends who I'd invited (and who seemed to get on well, all big personalities who can talk underwater), and we saw some contemporary stuff, and finally found the main thing I was looking for, the Landa video and new media awards, which had at least three completely amazing things, and about four competely crap things, but gave us all lots to talk about
• had a very loud and animated but such fun dinner with aforementioned three
• went to the movies with another bunch of friends and while there got invited to a dinner party
• but also ran into someone who I had a very ill advised thing with earlier this year, and given my sleep-deprived state I got the shakes and had to go to the ladies room for a while to compose myself. Still don't know how to comport myself around him - I was the villain, what I did to him was wrong and unforgivable, but then, I think he has undiagnosed Asberger's and can't take a hint and I had to be so mean to him. I can't be the slightest bit nice to him, it doesn't seem like, or risk him coming after me again, or me having to explain myself further.
• had a very lovely psudo-Christmas party with work, where we got sandwiches and went over to the park and played soccer and frisbee (at the same time). So very nice to be outside and just playing. Completely unstructured time - like I said to someone later, hey, I didn't get the Jira, why are we in the park? What account do I bill this time against?
• last night when I was staying up late I was having an online chat with a stranger. Got to talking about philosophy. Don't know where it will lead, if anywhere (no new message tonight). Thing is, philosophy and talking are my main differentiators, but he had all sorts of other things in his profile (oops did I just give away where I met him?) that weren't about that and we never got onto them. The articulation of the feeling that I had in my head today was, every minute of every day lately, I feel like I'm at work. I'd love to feel like I was at home, or just having fun, sometimes. Let go and just be my whole self without censoring or editing or putting on a brave front or dumbing down. And the other thing is, it's great fun having lots of boys to talk about philosophy with, but it would be nice if a boy appreciated me as a woman. The only one who came close (the one leading to the other - long bantering philosophy conversation leading to tender kiss on the cheek goodnight) is married. Patience, child. I'm in no position to seduce anybody, anyway - sleepless week, no exercise since the accident, no groceries, stuff all over everywhere in my house. Body going soft around the edges. I should focus on my own shit, and get it together before I worry too much about the whole boyfriend issue again.

Sorry these messages are so long lately, but it's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to!