Insomnia my favorite drug
I haven't been getting enough sleep. Well, enough, obviously, in fact probably more than the strictly minimum amount I need to keep minimally alive. But less-than-optimal enough that I've been feeling like I have brain damage at work, and am not being very proactive or strategic or senior-ish or living up to the position or salary I resent my boss for not giving me.
We had a four-day weekend recently, the only one all year, but I still didn't get enough sleep and still didn't feel rested.
All the gaps in my weekend have filled up - Friday night dinner out with a friend who's in town, Saturday early go to the Art Gallery, but even earlier than that get up and change the sheets because said friend is staying at my place Saturday night, so I'll want to spend time with her of course, but it does mean no sleeping until 1pm on Sunday morning, and then Sunday night dinner with the daughter of some friends of mine and the friends, and we always drink too much wine and I stay too late at their place so on Monday I'm sure I will be in even worse shape...
"But Ellen", you say, "Isn't next Wednesday a public holiday too?" Guess what - Art Gallery early again! And again on Saturday, and something on Saturday afternoon, and on and on it goes.
So how do I cope with this? Come home from work and go straight to bed? No - Biggest Loser and then grocery shopping and then make dinner and watch the last Sopranos and also listen to the commentary, and do all the dishes and do laundry and hang it all up. And then watch a bit more tv and read a bit and then wander up here thinking maybe I'll have an email from someone and I did, and found a new blog by a friend who I didn't know had a blog until last weekend, and played with the Medusa oracles ("Is __ thinking of me right now?" "Thinking, they are talking about you!"). Read the SMH a bit. Posted the Sunk Cost post (see just previous). Now posting this. It's like I want to push to the limit of tiredness. It's like I want to chemically alter myself so I feel something extreme. It's like it would be easier to get through tomorrow with four hours of sleep than with seven. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? And how much longer can I do it?
I have a holiday coming up soon. Four long plane trips, all up. Time to be on my own and think thoughts and rest.
Actually, I might just be pushing myself to chemically alter my brain so I feel something extreme because I'm bored. I'm spectacularly bored at work. Besides the trip, I have nothing in particular to look forward to (unless __ really is thinking of me right now...are you?). I met a woman recently who said that when she was a manager she would only hire Geminis, she contrived to always find out birthdays and would only hire early June birthdays, and they were the best workers in the world, but, she said, "You can't let them get bored." You can't let us get bored. My boss is one of us so he should know better than anyone. If things don't work out, if our paths diverge, he has only himself to blame.
1:30 in the morning. On a school night. Bloody hell. How am I going to get through it all?
I will, though. I will let you know how.
We had a four-day weekend recently, the only one all year, but I still didn't get enough sleep and still didn't feel rested.
All the gaps in my weekend have filled up - Friday night dinner out with a friend who's in town, Saturday early go to the Art Gallery, but even earlier than that get up and change the sheets because said friend is staying at my place Saturday night, so I'll want to spend time with her of course, but it does mean no sleeping until 1pm on Sunday morning, and then Sunday night dinner with the daughter of some friends of mine and the friends, and we always drink too much wine and I stay too late at their place so on Monday I'm sure I will be in even worse shape...
"But Ellen", you say, "Isn't next Wednesday a public holiday too?" Guess what - Art Gallery early again! And again on Saturday, and something on Saturday afternoon, and on and on it goes.
So how do I cope with this? Come home from work and go straight to bed? No - Biggest Loser and then grocery shopping and then make dinner and watch the last Sopranos and also listen to the commentary, and do all the dishes and do laundry and hang it all up. And then watch a bit more tv and read a bit and then wander up here thinking maybe I'll have an email from someone and I did, and found a new blog by a friend who I didn't know had a blog until last weekend, and played with the Medusa oracles ("Is __ thinking of me right now?" "Thinking, they are talking about you!"). Read the SMH a bit. Posted the Sunk Cost post (see just previous). Now posting this. It's like I want to push to the limit of tiredness. It's like I want to chemically alter myself so I feel something extreme. It's like it would be easier to get through tomorrow with four hours of sleep than with seven. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? And how much longer can I do it?
I have a holiday coming up soon. Four long plane trips, all up. Time to be on my own and think thoughts and rest.
Actually, I might just be pushing myself to chemically alter my brain so I feel something extreme because I'm bored. I'm spectacularly bored at work. Besides the trip, I have nothing in particular to look forward to (unless __ really is thinking of me right now...are you?). I met a woman recently who said that when she was a manager she would only hire Geminis, she contrived to always find out birthdays and would only hire early June birthdays, and they were the best workers in the world, but, she said, "You can't let them get bored." You can't let us get bored. My boss is one of us so he should know better than anyone. If things don't work out, if our paths diverge, he has only himself to blame.
1:30 in the morning. On a school night. Bloody hell. How am I going to get through it all?
I will, though. I will let you know how.
posted by Ellen at 1:18 am
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