Better
I had a bit of blogger's remorse after the last post, but instead of deleting it I thought I'd blog about the posting of it instead. I've always sunk into those kinds of moods from time to time. They used to be associated with many tears, and roping a boy into consoling me. I know that when I was in college (trans for Australians: "at Uni"), I had a running set of male friends who I would call on when my mood plummetted, and I would cry and they would sit there and say there, there. The main boy got drafted into this role of course when we got together, but he was never happy with it. He usually got angry and resentful rather than indulgent and comforting. One time he got angry with me when I didn't stay in that mood permanently, because from the volume of tears he had thought my world was permanently collapsing - when I felt better the next day and could go to work and keep the brave face, he got really angry at my inconsistency. So, he wasn't the best comforter, really. And in the teary epsiodes that accompanied our splitting up, he said things that suggested he had consulted a team of lawyers, like when I was panicking about never finding a job and running out of money, "You are just as secure as you ever were." Which of course was f-a secure.
So one great benefit of having to repair myself all on my own, post-breakup, is that I think I have finally grown up and got some mastery of my emotions. No teary episodes any more, not for ages actually. I don't have someone on tap I can ring to weep upon and comfort me. I'm not sure I even want that to be part of a new relationship - emotional support, sure, but not emotional crutches. So, that new strength is perhaps a benefit of the new situation.
Nonetheless, even though the tears and manipulation might not happen so much any more, the moods still occur. They're part of me, and have been for as long as I remember, so it's honest to write them down here. You can always skip over them if, unlike my male friends at Uni but like my Ex, you get bored and resentful when I start going on that way.
***
Actually talked quite a bit of philosophy yesterday (yes, with the lying liar, who would have guessed?), and sorted out something about my approach to ethics. My interlocutor wants to treat ethics and self-interest separately - ethics is what you ought to do or not do in the interests of other people, and the other he calls "prudence" - prudence is what you ought to do or not do in your own interests. This has all sorts of interesting consequences, some of which are that he thinks people should be able to do pretty much whatever they want as long as they don't hurt anyone else - like do heroin, amputate perfectly healthy limbs or commit suicide. I disagree with all of this, and I think the reason is that in my ethics, all people are considered equally. Ethics is to preserve the greatest good for the greatest number (with all the usual caveats and extra sophistication to get the math to work, I'm sure Wikipedia has a page on Utilitarianism that will go through them), and the individual is just one of the people. There's nothing different about my interests and the general interest. So it's wrong for me to commit suicide, even if I might want to, because murder is wrong - you shouldn't murder anyone, including yourself. And it's okay to make laws against doing heroin because no one should do heroin because it's bad for them. I'm very happy with these outcomes, so I'm convinced my "everyone should be treated equally" moral stance is the right one. Now just have to convince the other guy...
So one great benefit of having to repair myself all on my own, post-breakup, is that I think I have finally grown up and got some mastery of my emotions. No teary episodes any more, not for ages actually. I don't have someone on tap I can ring to weep upon and comfort me. I'm not sure I even want that to be part of a new relationship - emotional support, sure, but not emotional crutches. So, that new strength is perhaps a benefit of the new situation.
Nonetheless, even though the tears and manipulation might not happen so much any more, the moods still occur. They're part of me, and have been for as long as I remember, so it's honest to write them down here. You can always skip over them if, unlike my male friends at Uni but like my Ex, you get bored and resentful when I start going on that way.
***
Actually talked quite a bit of philosophy yesterday (yes, with the lying liar, who would have guessed?), and sorted out something about my approach to ethics. My interlocutor wants to treat ethics and self-interest separately - ethics is what you ought to do or not do in the interests of other people, and the other he calls "prudence" - prudence is what you ought to do or not do in your own interests. This has all sorts of interesting consequences, some of which are that he thinks people should be able to do pretty much whatever they want as long as they don't hurt anyone else - like do heroin, amputate perfectly healthy limbs or commit suicide. I disagree with all of this, and I think the reason is that in my ethics, all people are considered equally. Ethics is to preserve the greatest good for the greatest number (with all the usual caveats and extra sophistication to get the math to work, I'm sure Wikipedia has a page on Utilitarianism that will go through them), and the individual is just one of the people. There's nothing different about my interests and the general interest. So it's wrong for me to commit suicide, even if I might want to, because murder is wrong - you shouldn't murder anyone, including yourself. And it's okay to make laws against doing heroin because no one should do heroin because it's bad for them. I'm very happy with these outcomes, so I'm convinced my "everyone should be treated equally" moral stance is the right one. Now just have to convince the other guy...
posted by Ellen at 9:02 am
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