Dream #1

Already it begins. I was reading a book just now in which the author mentioned scrambled eggs Texas-style, with jalapenos and a pound of cheese.

And it made me remember a magnificent and over-the-top Southwestern breakfast I had once in Santa Fe, the first day of a trip, just before Christmas and cold with snow dusted around the town square but piercing bright sun because it's up so high.

And I thought, "I want -"

And then my brain went, "NO! Don't want!"

And I realise where that little shut-off valve comes from. It comes from back when I had my broken heart and all, all, all I wanted in the world was him. And my brain had to learn to not want. Every desirous thought of him had to be shut down, immediately. So that's where this shut-off comes from. I'm sure of it.

Thank you so much, Astrobarry, for giving me my dream project this week, so I can learn to want things again.

This is part of the deep recovery stuff you have to do, I guess, two years out.

"I want to be in Santa Fe, just before Christmas, looking at the mix of Southwest and Christmas decorations in red and green, and walking out in the blinding sun still low in the morning sky, and pulling my coat tight against the unfamiliar North American chill, and having an extravagent and cheese-smothered breakfast and so many green chiles that I get sick of them."

I want that. I dream of Santa Fe.

More as they happen.