ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Tonight someone asked me to send him a link to my blog. I had a look at this one and thought, hm, no, don't think so (it's sort of bad form to send one boy a link to a blog where all you talk about is another boy, right? especially if it's a boy he knows?). He might Google me and find it anyway (hi, Ed, if so), but I thought, nah. Too 17-year-old-girl's-diary in here lately.

So I sent him the link to Ellen Watson Part 1 instead. And then went and had a look at that, and found it just as embarassing. All I talked about was trips, food and wine. Was I really that shallow? I didn't seem to have a thought in my head about anything back then. I suppose I was preoccupied with finding work, which can give you a narrow focus. And things were probably already bad with "Witlof" and me, so I was going all dead inside and not getting any support or stimulation or acknowledgment of my mind and thoughts. And it was the cleaned-up Christmas letterish blog that I felt comfortable sending to Mom and Aunts and Uncles and work colleagues, so of course it doesn't go into as much emotion and rawness as I tend to do here. But even so. Was I really that boring?

It is very instructive to look at it now, especially after spending a whole fabulous day with all my favorite people in Sydney, talking about all the big philosophical topics and quite a few of the smaller ones, and feeling feelings and being honest and trying to do things that are of significance. I think I am a much better person now than the one who listed all the wines by name that she drank in the Hunter. I think I am much more living as my true self. I am positive that I am doing much more good in the world. I am so grateful to Philorum, and to these people. I have quite a bit to be thankful for, this Christmas season.