Blue Day, Sunny Night
It was a long weekend this weekend (Australia Day on Friday - first time ever I neither voted in nor listened to the Triple J Hot 100). I went to two Sydney Festival things, both dance, one a bleak and post-apocalyptic exploration of the relationship between humans and machines, the other a Japanese-style story about a woman who is sort of a puppet, loses her mirror, gets a fan but is still upset, then gets a red fan, dies and turns into a ghost - this one had lots of beautiful imagery from nature like butterflies and water and fire, so it was easier to watch. But I sort of don't get modern dance, so beyond that I'm not sure what all I can say about them.
So, I spent lots of time with my friends that I went to the festival thing with, but when I was by myself I was feeling sort of dead and blank and like crawling in bed and just staying there, which I sort of did on Friday. Today I went into the city to run some errands, including buying new pillows, and I was so grumpy. I caught myself walking through the Coles shopping centre across the road grumpy, and thought, be happy! Smile! Be calm! Shower beneficence on everyone. Then caught myself catching myself and thought, why do I compel myself to be calm and happy? I suppose it's better for health and mental well-being and all that, but surely it's okay to be grumpy sometimes? So I spent most of the day full of hate, walking around town scowling behind my sunglasses. The thought processes were all hopeless - I'm old, I don't look right, I have no money, I'm trapped in Sydney, I never accomplish anything, there's no point in me living any more.
When I got home from shopping I thought, only one thing for it. When the thought processes go that hopeless way, the only sure cure is aerobic exercise. So I took myself off to the gym before I even had time to think about it, ran hard on the treadmill listening to the Donnas (excellent f-u music), found I was having murderous fantasies of doing harm to the Lying Liar (no, don't worry, I won't act on any of them, this doesn't count as a threat), felt much better for being angry instead of depressed, rode the exerbycle for 10 minutes and sprinted the last one, came home and got stuck right into the household tasks I've been putting off for months (I can announce that the very last box from storage has been gone through and sorted).
Now I'm up at quarter to two and have to work tomorrow, of course, which will f*ck my whole schedule for the whole week as usual, but at least I'm happy and up, not blue and up like I was all weekend.
Once again the lesson is applied - when you feel blue and hopeless, just do the right things, even if you don't feel like it, and it will change your thoughts and start things getting better.
So, I spent lots of time with my friends that I went to the festival thing with, but when I was by myself I was feeling sort of dead and blank and like crawling in bed and just staying there, which I sort of did on Friday. Today I went into the city to run some errands, including buying new pillows, and I was so grumpy. I caught myself walking through the Coles shopping centre across the road grumpy, and thought, be happy! Smile! Be calm! Shower beneficence on everyone. Then caught myself catching myself and thought, why do I compel myself to be calm and happy? I suppose it's better for health and mental well-being and all that, but surely it's okay to be grumpy sometimes? So I spent most of the day full of hate, walking around town scowling behind my sunglasses. The thought processes were all hopeless - I'm old, I don't look right, I have no money, I'm trapped in Sydney, I never accomplish anything, there's no point in me living any more.
When I got home from shopping I thought, only one thing for it. When the thought processes go that hopeless way, the only sure cure is aerobic exercise. So I took myself off to the gym before I even had time to think about it, ran hard on the treadmill listening to the Donnas (excellent f-u music), found I was having murderous fantasies of doing harm to the Lying Liar (no, don't worry, I won't act on any of them, this doesn't count as a threat), felt much better for being angry instead of depressed, rode the exerbycle for 10 minutes and sprinted the last one, came home and got stuck right into the household tasks I've been putting off for months (I can announce that the very last box from storage has been gone through and sorted).
Now I'm up at quarter to two and have to work tomorrow, of course, which will f*ck my whole schedule for the whole week as usual, but at least I'm happy and up, not blue and up like I was all weekend.
Once again the lesson is applied - when you feel blue and hopeless, just do the right things, even if you don't feel like it, and it will change your thoughts and start things getting better.
posted by Ellen at 1:39 am
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